Welcome to the Asking for More podcast!
In this episode I am open about my learning and my failures in the last couple years-as I got clearer and clearer about how and why we need to ask for more now. Take a listen.
What you’ll find in this 15 minute episode:
- What I realized when I started to ask for more 2:00
- What Good Girls do and don’t do 3:00
- You don’t have to heal, like yourself to ask for what you want 4:30
- What is the squish? 5:00
- The Emotions Wheel 5:43
- How naming your feelings can break addictive behavior cycles 7:00
- Why asking for more isn’t just about money 8:00
- Why you shouldn’t ask for 50% of what you want 8:30
- My coaching journey from 2017 with intimacy and 2019 with business 9:00
- One key exercise for you to start naming your desires 10:00
- Why asking for something outrageous works! 11:13
- The IMPOSSIBLE Asking Challenge – could you make this ask? 11:45
- How did that feel? 12:10
- How the asking practice will change your life 12:30
- My relationship story in 2020 and 2021 13:10
In the last two years, I’ve been training and working with fundraisers and consultants to help us ask for more. And now I’ve made a whole new podcast, and it’s all about helping you ask for more. You can listen on Apple, Spotify, or just on my website! Helping women ask for more feels like the work I was born to do. Thank you for listening. Let me know what you think!
Hi, my name is Mazarine Treyz, and I am the host of the podcast Asking For More and the mastermind Asking For More. So, if you’d like to find out more about my, about your mind or about me, go to https://mazarinetreyz.com or https://askingformore.com and check it out. We’d love to have you join us in the mastermind. And we’d also really loved to know, what are you having trouble with asking for more for, so feel free to type in the comments below or type in the chat. What is your biggest issue with asking? I’m going to share today, what I learned, but asking for more in 20, 20 and 2021, it’s early 20, 22 right now, as I record this and I feel like this is a really important topic for this year.
Why? Because. As we’ve lived through this pandemic, people have really come up against the fact that how much they’re giving to their jobs, whether they’re self-employed or full-time employed. And another organization is completely too much and they really need to pull back from that. So how do you negotiate calling back from your job. We can talk about that. But what I learned in 2020 and 2021 is that I definitely needed to recalibrate how much time I was spending on my job and how much time I needed to just rest or do things that made me happy or be with my friends or you know, all of those things.
And during 2020 and 2021, I took several I would say classes and was part of a leadership cohort. So, one of the first classes I took in 2020 was with Kaja Urbanik called emotional alchemy. And then she had another one called Asking and I really, really loved working with her in that class because every week we would meet up with a hundred other women on zoom and we would just learn about why we have such a hard time asking.
And it opened up so much in my life, when I learned how to ask for what I wanted, it opened up eating it. Business. It opened up so much and it opened up my family relationships too. And I realized I was tolerating some things I really shouldn’t have been tolerating. And so learning how to ask her more has also been an exercise in learning how to have better boundaries.
So since 2020 have also been in therapy, and that has been another wonderful contribution to me, learning how to ask for more, as well as learning how to have better boundaries. And you’ll see that those kind of go hand in hand, because oftentimes when we don’t ask for more, what ends up happening is we are ascribing a value to asking for less.
We think that’s what we do. We think it’s better to do that. But who does it serve if we believe that? So that’s something I want you to consider as we chat today. So, let’s just talk about the concept of the good girlfriends for a second and this comes from because organic, so good girls don’t get angry, don’t cry or show fear.
Don’t ask for what they want. Don’t dress too sexy. Don’t act selfish. Don’t share their needs. Let alone their bold desires. Don’t be too weird on the first date act normal. Don’t question the patriarchy don’t bait around. Don’t have leg hair. So being a good girl sounds really fun, right? good girls. And sometimes like the independent woman are pleasers.
What other people want is more important than what you want. It leads to codependency and passive aggressive behavior. Good girls strive to please. Everyone. Perfectly good girls show how good they are by never needing anything. Good girls just try to date one person or two people and then choose one.
The girls feel like they should compromise if they’re older or less conventionally attractive to the white patriarchal gaze, beggars, can’t be choosers. Good girls get married, have kids settle down in your own house by age 30. That’s what a good girl does. And you know, if you choose to want things outside of that, you might be tamping down on your own desires.
So maybe you were afraid it was too big of an ask maybe said, um, I want this, but it’s okay if you don’t want to do that, actually, you know, You’re not alone. This self attack that you do when you try to camp that on what you want is the patriarchy. And today we’re not here to heal. We’re here to live as we are.
And that is an enormous relief because healing is a secondary or tertiary side effect of just learning how to ask for what you want. You don’t need to love yourself, like heal yourself or like yourself. Feel good about yourself as a prerequisite, ask for what you want. So I want to help you expand and not squish.
So, your words tell someone what you want and your signal, tell someone how you feel about it. So what I love helping women do is cleaning up your signal. So you don’t squish yourself in the middle of your ask and acknowledge your own emotions. So they don’t get in the way. Then you can see them and be present for them and you can move them, move yourself and allow yourself to be moved, allow something new and create something.
So in this last year, what I’ve done is really looked at what’s called the feelings wheel or the emotions wheel. And I’m going to show you now on screen, if you can, you know, go look at this or you can also just Google it, if you want to, this is what the emotion wheel looks like. And I really love this.
This is now a big magnet that I have in my fridge and I can look at it every day. And I also have it as a background on my phone and I can say, okay, how am I feeling right now? Am I feeling isolated or apathetic, am I feeling excited or essentially my feeling insignificant or rejected or angry or selfish, how am I feeling?
And you can just put this all together. And it’s really, really beautiful. So I just want you to look at this and check in with yourself. How am I feeling right now? So often we have such a limited emotional vocabulary. We’re not sure how we feel. We’re afraid of how we feel. We’re maybe mad. We can tell for mad.
We can tell if we’re scared or sad, but we’re not aware of all of these other words that describe how we feel and how we can get even more nuanced and more and more nuanced with what we really feel. I hope you like this. I hope this has been interesting for you to look at this and if you want to Google it and get it for yourself, I encourage you to do so.
It’s, it’s a game changer to start naming your feelings, because then it’s much easier for you to be like, oh, if I feel this right now, it seems like I need that instead of just diving into scrolling or diving into buying things or diving into whatever your addiction of phrases. So I just want to share that with you.
So, what I learned from this time was that in 2020, I really just needed to be more aware of my feelings and were able to ask for what I wanted. Then in 2021, it’s been nine months with leadership cohort with racing to equity. And what we did was we looked at all the different ways that white supremacy affects us in the world.
And personally, so. That’s another way that I’ve learned how to ask for more inside of the time of COVID. And it’s saying it’s not just about money though of course money is good. It’s also about asking for organizations to step up and do more instead of just mouthing empty platitudes about black lives matter.
So when I say asking for more, this is what I’ve learned in the last two years. We have so much space to expand, to ask for more and we can, and we should. And even if you get a no, every no leads, you closer to a yes. And if you ask for a hundred percent of what you want instead of 50%, then when you get that, yes, it’s going to feel so good in your body and it’s going to feel so good in their body too, because you actually ask them for what you really wanted.
And if you don’t do that, then they’re going to feel from you like, oh, Not feeling good. You know, I said, yes, maybe I did something wrong. Maybe she hasn’t really liked me. Maybe this isn’t going to work as a partnership or whatever it is. So you asking for a hundred percent of what you want serves everyone.
So being even internally dishonest with yourself and cramming down on your knees and saying, oh, I couldn’t ask for that much is really not serving you. So. In 2017, I started unlearning co-dependent, pleaser behaviors. I stayed too long in an eight year relationship. That was going nowhere. I was so afraid of getting out there again and rejection.
I needed to unlearn what made me stay so long in the first place and find tools to be something new. So I worked with an intimacy coach named Sophia. Then in 2019, I worked with a business coach learning how to have a sales conversation and not take rejection personally. I invested in her for over a year and it really worked, it worked for dating as well.
So, what I want for you is to get out of taking rejection personally, and have fun with your assets. I want you to make, to interact in a game and find out where your edges are. And I want you to feel successful in communicating with people around you and acknowledging what you each need from the interaction.
So at the end, I hope that you’ll join us at, uh, the party at the end of the patriarchy this year, as well as the career conference in March. So the first question I have for you is if you could ask for anything and get a yes. What would you ask for? So think about that. If you could ask for anything and get a yes, what’s the big thing you want.
So maybe this is your asking prompts, the obstacles. I can’t think of anything I want. So the challenge ask yourself out of it. Make a list of names and a list of tasks, mix and match. I could ask Maria Bova to write my blog post for me. I could ask blank for blank. So even if your job is blogging, you can do that.
Even if your job is looking for another job, get somebody to do that for you. Um, there’s so many things that you can pass off. The next obstacle you might feel is, I don’t know if any of these are realistic. Challenge for you. The impossible asking practice, ask for something completely outrageous that doesn’t exist.
So that could be, I could ask Mazarine to buy me a mansion in North Dakota. You know, I could ask blank for blank, whatever it is. And then here’s your third. Your obstacle might be well and pulling them. So here’s a challenge. The one way asking practice, I could ask my neighbor to mow my lawn and give them nothing in return.
I could ask blank for blank and give them nothing in return. So from these three exercises, asking yourself out of a job, I don’t know if any of these are realistic, the impossible asking practice. Right? I could ask blank for blank and then I guess, blank for blank and give them nothing. Those are three things that you can do right now.
I want you to take five minutes, do that and come back. Okay. So how did that feel? What did you think about as you started thinking? I could ask blank for blank. I could ask blank for blank and give nothing in return or anything else that asking yourself out of a job, what came up for you? I want you to think about that.
What I learned about asking in 2020 and 2021 is at asking redefines your relationship with people. And sometimes it ends your relationship with. So, for example, if you grew up in a household where it wasn’t safe to ask for what you wanted, you probably are tamping down on your desires right now, all the time.
And if you start to actually start to ask for what you want in relationship or life, you’ll find that people will leave your life and they will also come into your life because they’re ready, willing, and interested in giving you exactly what you want, because you told them what you wanted and you didn’t expect them to be a mind reader.
Right? So. This is the healing journey. Believe it or not asking is a healing journey, but it’s more than that. It’s about you getting what you want. And healing is just a by-product of that. And I want you to get what you want. I want you to get the salary that you want. I want you to get the rates that you want.
I want you to get the free time that you want in which you get the intimacy that you want. I want you to get all of it, and I think you can. And that’s what asking for more is all about. In 2020, I moved in with a partner and in 2021, we split up. And the thing that I learned about that was, uh, you have, when you ask a responsibility to also hear and see what the other person is doing, To meet those astronauts in that relationship.
I asked for what I wanted it for the first time in my, and it was a wonderful feeling and it was a scary feeling. And when it was pretty apparent that the other person wasn’t willing to, uh, meet my app. We were kind of done. And, uh, because I know so much more about asking now I’m much more able to, as I go through the dating world to just say, yeah, this is what I want.
This is who I am. I don’t have to familiarize myself for you to pretend to be somebody that I’m not, I don’t have to center men or women and only focus on my relationships with them. I can focus on other things. So, um, I’ll just say this to say. Asking changes your life and it changes it in really good ways.
If you’re with somebody who can’t hear your assets, who isn’t able to be, even the slightest bit willing to meet your asks, then you’re really not going to be able to be happy with that person. And you should just know that now rather than later. So it wastes your time and their time trying to make something work.
It’s not going to work. That’s true in business. That’s true in relationships. That’s true in nonprofits. It’s true in life in general. So if somebody’s. Is showing you what, they’re not active if they can’t meet your ass, man, not let that be that. But I really, really grateful that I learned this because the more that we asked for more, the more we’re going to get what we want, because we’re letting people know what we need.
So I hope this was helpful. I hope you got something out of this with the exercises that we did and the next time we’ll talk about. What we could ask for in 2022.
Links in this podcast:
https//mazarinetreyz.com and https://askingformore.com/